a bad 2 days
October 2, 2007
It has been a bad two days. People who are bipolar will no what I mean. When i tell people I live without meds and just roll with the punches most people get freaked out. People who only know about bipolar disorder from what they hear in celebrity news are either in awe that you are like those celebs or are waiting for you to do something stupid that celebs like to blame on being off their meds. People who have their condition under some modicum of control with meds can’t understand why I would choose to live with the madness. i don’t know why sometimes either. The clinicians who tell me this is a bad idea always seem like they are just waiting for me to fail. There is no guarantee I will live a normal happy life under meds, most of us don’t. I can sit here and tell you all of my reasons for not using them from hating the medicated feeling and reliance on a pills to stop the head swirling thoughts, or the fact I know control is an illusion . My biggest reason is really fear. I am not afraid to feel normal, in fact I feel normal most of the time. I have been down the road of medication and it works, until you lose your insurance. I have no guarantees how long my insurance will last. While I can’t guarantee a new course of meds will make me feel better all the time, I do know as soon as I get on them if they pull my insurance I am royally fucked. I won’t be able to afford the treatment and withdrawal actually does make you want to die. There are days I don’t care much about living, but I certainly don’t want to die, so I live with what is thrown at me day after day. Some days are just truly bad, but if I am strong enough I will make it through them. I don’t know how many more minutes, hours or days I will feel like this, but I know it will change so I push on.
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